There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
