What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
