omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I woke up under a house in Key West
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
