The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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