I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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