I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
