Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize