I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
