Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
