I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
