i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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