but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize