im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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