currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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