New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
