i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
