I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
