who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I party with great urgency now.
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