The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
