Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
