Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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