Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
no, he came in my armpit
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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