Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
