Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
