Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
