I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
i've created a new STD.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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