if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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