So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Two words: blizzard sex
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
