I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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