It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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