I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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