I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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