I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
