I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He did a backflip because drugs
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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