mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
