I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
