ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
