nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
