if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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