party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
