Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
