i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize