The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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