how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
