I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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