Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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