New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
