It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
