but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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