I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
