just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
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