My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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