why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
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