I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
