Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
