I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
