My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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