I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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