There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Congratulations! We have a period
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
