problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
