It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
